Rumor has it there was a bit of a snow storm on the east coast. Now that the flakes have settled, there are certain things everyone must have to effectively survive the aftermath of a blizzard.
1) An active Facebook or Instagram account. “An active Facebook or Instagram account?” Yes, and stop interrupting. Without one, it seems there would be no possible way to show your friends the mesmerizing pictures of snow on your lawn, kids in snow suits, or your dog standing in the snow looking confused. And what about those fascinating Instagram videos of snowing falling for ten seconds? How would the rest of the world know it’s snowing without these?
2) A shovel. Yes, you most likely need one of these in order to properly dig out from two to three feet of white power that surrounds you. More importantly, this device could also be used to dig the hole of the person you plan to bury after “accidentally” pushing them down the stairs, while you’ve been trapped inside for the last three or four days [ed. note: not an endorsement of murder or covering up said murder.]
3) Liquor. Actually, in my world, you should always have liquor. So in the aftermath of a blizzard, there should be no exception. In fact, liquor will help numb the pain of the pending physical task of removing all the snow from your sidewalk, car, and driveway.
4) A sled. Sure a sled is useful for having some fun after the storm, and obviously it lends itself perfectly to add to the list of “snow pictures” posted online (see item #1), but more importantly, if the roads are still closed and motor vehicles aren’t allowed on the streets, a sled is a perfect way to get to the liquor store to stock up on the “necessities” (see item #3) [ed. note: do not drink and sled]. A sled that is equipped with a storage area is ideal, as you’ll need a place to carry said booze.
5) The Allman Brothers: Live At The Fillmore. In all honesty, you should have this anyway. If you don’t. Strike one. But while digging out from the snowfall, which after over thirty inches have fallen may take a while, you’ll need music to aid and inspire you as you tackle the task at hand. The sheer energy of the Allman’s can overpower the mightiest storm. Even the blizzard of ’15. Further, the Allman Brother’s music has also been known to help counter the lethal effects of Ebola… but that’s a story for another time.
Now sure to truly survive the aftermath of a blizzard, you may also need; salt, a working phone line, water, and breathable air… but let’s take trivial things like that for granted. It’s more fun that way. Riskier. More American. Forget the “smart” way to survive. If you want to make it through with style, pour a couple shots, fire up the computer, and cue up “Whipping Post”….all 22 glorious minutes of it.